


Having Doubts

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/M, Infant Death, Reader-Insert, Stillbirth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 13:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10923141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	Having Doubts

Derek couldn’t wait for her to get home. For the first time in forever, they didn’t have a case, so he could be home to make dinner for you. He hadn’t been able to do that for you since you’d started dating - even when you first moved in together he immediately had to go out on a case. It was tough, but you made it work.

As he danced around the kitchen, adding the necessary spices to the dish, you came in the front door. He hadn’t even heard you. The moment he turned around, he knew something was wrong. “Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked, his former smile dropping into oblivion as he took in your quivering lip.

Without another word, he walked over to you and caught you in his arms. “Baby what happened?” But you couldn’t say anything. You couldn’t believe it had actually happened. How could this have happened? You were known as the best in the area for what you did. But you’d lost a baby. You had to watch as a mother, in her most vulnerable state, naked from the waist down and soaked to the skin, screamed her lungs out, realizing that the baby she’d carried for nine months would never take a breath in this world.

“I told her,” you said, your voice rattling out of your body in waves. “I told her she should go to the hospital.” Your voice trailed off as you started to cry against his shoulder.

That’s when it dawned on him. He closed his eyes and hugged you tighter. As a midwife, it was your job to inform mothers of the best possible option for birthing their children, but after they were given all the options and they chose what method worked best for them, it was your duty to be with them every step of the way. She’d lost a baby today. “Did she…?” he asked, knowing which client you were referring to.

You started to sob in his arms, your knees giving out from underneath you as he lifted you up to bring you to the couch. “What happened?”

“She was stillborn,” you breathed, leaning your head into Derek’s shoulder. After you were hired as a midwife, you took on each child as your own. For however many months you worked with them, that child was your own. The baby’s name was going to be Julia, but she was already gone. “I told her!” you yelled. “I told her that she should go to the hospital, but she insisted on having a home birth. I told her the hypertension could cause preeclampsia which could lead to a stillbirth and she’d be better off in a hospital, but she wouldn’t listen to me and now Julia’s gone!” You lamented and cried until your throat was sore, grateful for Derek’s comforting grasp around your head. “If I can’t get someone to do what’s necessary for them under the most basic of circumstances, maybe this isn’t what I should be doing.” This should have been a cut and dry case, but you couldn’t convince Julia’s mother to go the hospital. It should have been simple.

Derek cradled you in his arms and grabbed your legs to turn you toward him. “Listen to me,” he said softly. “You did everything you could to get her to do what was necessary. She was the one who refused. It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. It was a tragedy.”

“But I should’ve been able to,” you insisted. “I’ve gotten women to abandon their hopes of a home birth under much worse circumstances. This should’ve been easy. I should just retrain for something else…”

Again, you dissolved into sobs. You’d walked in and out of her nursery. Her mother had shown you her clothes. Months ago, you’d walked into Babies R’ Us to buy her gifts for her baby shower. This baby was real. She was supposed to be here. But now she was gone. “You are an amazing midwife,” he said, kissing the slightly matted hair on the top of your head. “Never doubt that. You give 1000 percent more than any other person I’ve ever seen. These babies are your own. And you’re fantastic at. I can’t imagine how you feel right now, but never doubt that this is what you’re supposed to be doing.”

Deep down, you knew he was right, but the devastation of losing a baby that could’ve so easily been saved was overwhelming. The tears started to dry up and your looked up at him. He kissed your tears away as best he could. “And what about the nearly 100 babies you’ve already helped bring into the world? Maybe they wouldn’t have made it without you.” 

“I know,” you said softly, cuddling up closer to him. Whenever you were sad, nothing made it better except disappearing into his embrace. “It’s just so hard. I’ve lost a baby before. And I was right there…I couldn’t do anything.”

For nearly an hour, you sat wrapped in Derek’s arms, staring off into the distance and wondering if there was anything you could’ve done differently. But Derek was right, there was nothing. You’d done all you could and Julia’s mother and insisted on a home birth because she thought it was the best option. “You need sleep,” he said, seeing the far-off look in your eyes. “But how about some dinner first? I’ve been cooking for a while.”

“I’m so sorry,” you said, standing up from the couch and wiping the half-dried tears from your eyes. “You made this nice dinner for me and now I’m all sad and shit.”

After he kissed the top of your head, he rocked you back and forth in his arms. “I’ll just adjust our plans,” he said with a slight chuckle. “First, we eat, and then we sit on the couch and listen to music. Maybe you can even dance with me.”

He linked his fingers delicately in yours and pulled out a chair for you, stooping down to press a comforting kiss to your tear-stained lips. “You’ll get through this. And then you’ll go on to help another beautiful baby into the world.”


End file.
